Modern men are worn out:
- Too much, too fast, too soon
- Backs against the wall
- Constant cycle of burnout and stress
There isn’t much literature oriented towards a high-performing man, with his own unique sets of issues and anxieties that need to be accounted for.
The major conflict: be stoic/resilient vs. most advice feels abstract/not practical.
I’ve experienced this for the past 12 years.
The burnout gets so bad to the point where:
- Can’t think → drawing blanks
- Emotionally on edge
- Constant exhaustion/drained (physically, mentally, emotionally)
- Tunnel vision & catastrophizing
- Questioning your life/work
- Become a shell of yourself
- Can’t enjoy time with family/friends – can’t actually enjoy much
My health took such a turn for the worst that I was forced to confront this issue head on. Over those 12 years I’ve had an unhealthy pattern of being burned out so intensely that I would leave my work. It took me visiting a wonderful doctor, Dr. Carson, to learn that I was storing years of stress in my body.
18 years ago I experienced major trauma that I never properly addressed. Since then, I’ve had a number of physical ailments and manifestations (like pulling my beard hair, getting migraines from shoulder tension, etc). Dr. Carson suggested I meet with a therapist who specializes in EMDR.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) is a psychotherapy treatment that is designed to alleviate the distress associated with traumatic memories. Trauma is too much, too fast, and too soon – what modern men are experiencing is stored trauma that hasn’t been resolved.
EMDR is a treatment that’s part of Polyvagal Theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges, explains how the autonomic nervous system (ANS) regulates survival and social connection through a hierarchy of three states mediated by the vagus nerve.
- Relaxed: Safe (ventral vagal)
- Mobilized: Fight/flight (sympathetic)
- Immobilized: Freeze (dorsal vagal)
Perceived safety (or its absence) is what dictates how we traverse across these states and how well we bounce back.
Regulating emotions comes into play. It’s not about entering stress; it’s about how long you stay there.
- Healthy: Returns to baseline quickly
- Dangerous: Stuck in mobilized → leads to freeze
The cycle I was stuck in:
- Start job → happy
- Stress builds → internalize
- Self-criticism increases
- Burnout → quit
Source of problem:
- Unprocessed trauma
- Internalized fawning & compliance based on how I grew up
- Ambition correlates with how long it takes till you crash
Coming up… the tools to address this issue.