Fear is really “fear of the unknown.” We are scared of what we don’t know; xenophobes at heart. Exposure therapy works because it acclimates one with what they fear. Over time that fear is desensitized because it is known.
We’ve all been afraid of the dark at some point in our lives. It’s scary, we don’t know what lurks in the shadows, even though a simple flip of a lightswitch reveals all. But overtime (most) of us have overcome that fear. How?
Fear is really “fear of the unknown.” We are scared of what we don’t know; xenophobes at heart. I’m scared of tarantulas and snakes even though I’ve never been near one enough to warrant the physical reaction I have. So how does one overcome their fear? If you’ve ever seen the Maury show, he would have Jack Hanna come on and showcase some animals. There was sometimes a person who was afraid of said animal, and what he would calmly encourage them to do is, while he is securely holding the animal, to touch them. After touching them, slowly petting them. With enough time petting them and seeing how they can be docile, the fear starts to slowly wither away. The phobia is overcome with exposure therapy.
Exposure therapy works because it acclimates one with what they fear. Over time that fear is desensitized because it is known. Check out any Goosebumps book, or Scooby Doo mystery and you’ll find that what they’ve been fearing all along was just something that had a perfectly rational explanation. Once they find the true culprit and learn about how their fear was driven by a set of antics, they gain confidence.
That brings me to a time back in 2014, when I was 24 years old. I was working at my first startup, Lyft, and went out to get drinks with my colleague Luke. Luke was brilliant in his own way, but what stuck out the most to be about him was his immutable confidence. He seemed like he wasn’t afraid of anything; he had no problem having uncomfortable conversations, he would challenge people on controversial points, there wasn’t a thing he was afraid to do.
I expressed my reluctance in asking women out. I had a strong fear of rejection, it just felt like an unbearable reality I couldn’t find myself accepting with ease. So Luke tells me, “the key here is getting comfortable with no.” He made a bet that we need to go around the bar, and if we see a woman who we think might be single, respectfully ask them out. The goal was not to get a yes, the goal was to get as many “no”s as possible. The one with the highest count of “no”s wins, while the other buys them a drink. We had 20 minutes and we were off to the races.
We met back at our drinking spot and tallied our “no”s. I had eight while Luke had nine. The experience was exhilarating, something about hearing no and moving on was foreign to me. Luke then asks me whether I died. Clearly I didn’t so I said no. He had a smile on his face and he knew he got his point across. I had no problem buying him a drink.
What I learned that day was incredibly valuable. It wasn’t about getting someone to say “yes”, it’s about learning how to gracefully handle a “no”. Over time I learned how to accept rejection with finesse and respect – making neither party awkward in the process. “No worries at all, hope you enjoy the rest of the night,” or “well then just know that you’re beautiful and I hope you accept that compliment.” I would say it with more confidence, unfazed by the “no”, familiar with how conversion funnels work. If you could realistically average a 10% conversion rate, then that implies you need to put yourself out there and be brave enough to ask ten women out.
It wasn’t about getting someone to say “yes”, it’s about learning how to gracefully handle a “no”.
With time I would actually ask women who I was interested in as I wouldn’t want someone to be a part of my “learning process”, but the lesson stuck. It’s a numbers game and every “no” made me more resilient. I realized there exists some non-zero value of “no”s before I hit a turning point. The same applies to all aspects of life:
- Applying for jobs
- Pursuing your dreams
- Pursuing new ventures
Get acclimated with your fear by consciously exposing yourself to it, and you’re set. Intuit the fact that this is a numbers game – every no gets you closer to a yes. If you’re not willing to collect “no”s then you may likely never get to the “yes” you deserve.